Marital Problems
by Crick118
Summary: After fighting for 2 years now, Kagome forces Miroku and Sango to see a marriage councilor. But will the councilor be able to handle them WITHOUT going crazy?
1. A Trip to the Counciler

Disclaimer: I do not own Inu-Yasha, or Sango, or the marriage councilor, but Damn it! Why can't I just own Miroku? That pervert's mine! (Mwah ha ha ha ha!) What do you mean no one else wants him?

Marital Problems

" Al-Alright, p-please sit down, Mr. And Mrs., M-Miroku, is it?" The nervous therapist asked. (Well, wouldn't you be nervous if a chick with a gigantic boomerang on her back, and Miroku showed up in your waiting room?) "Yes, we are," Miroku said, answered for both him and Sango. "Um, Miroku, I think I can answer for myself thank you!" Sango shot him a death glare that could melt the polar ice caps before continuing, "Yes," She answered.

"Um, Sango?" Miroku asked.

"Yes, Miroku?" Sango questioned back.

"What was the point of answering for yourself if all you did was repeat what I said?" Miroku asked, clearly confused.

Sango nearly exploded. "Don't you go telling me what I can and can't do! I am the boss of myself and no one else is! And ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

"Uh, huh." Miroku absently nodded as he listened to the song, "Trucker Hat," on his iPod.

But this is what he heard:

This is the song that reminds me of my trucker hat, "Do!"

That I used to wear not to block out the sun! "ME?"

With a John Deer Label and a state on the back, _In Bed_

Okay so he hadn't really heard the last part, but Miroku added it in just for fun!

"Wait!" Miroku said, suddenly sitting up straight, "Right here? Why Sango, I'm seeing a side of you I've never seen before!" Miroku said seductively while moving his right eyebrow up and down.

"What in the Hell are you talking about?" Sango asked, throwing him a confused look.

"What? Oh nothing," Miroku answered, slouching back down.

"See? See what I have to work with here?" Sango pleaded with the marriage councilor.

"Okay now, let's move on. When did the trouble start?" the marriage councilor asked, finally managing to take on a controlled tone.

"Well," Sango began, "It all started when we got engaged…"

Hi, Crick118 here, I just decided to make this fanfic because I thought, 'Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Sango and Miroku had to go to a therapist only a few years after being married? Originally, it was supposed to be a one chapter finished, but I'm too lazy for that. Besides, I'm not even sure to continue with this, so please review telling me if I should continue or not! Thanks!

-Crick118


	2. Miroku's Horrible Flashbacks

Hi, Crick118 here. The chapter's actually pretty long (for me anyway) for once! R&R please!

Disclaimer: I don't own Inu-Yasha. If I did, I'd also own Ranma 1/2, yuck!

Chapter 2. Miroku's Horrible Flashbacks

"It all started when we got married," Sango began.

"So… things started out rocky?" The marriage councilor interpreted.

"Yah, I guess so, it's just that, since our careers conflict so much with everything else in our lives, we had to elope. It all went downhill from there."

"How?" the marriage councilor probed.

"The jerk STILL asked other women to bear his child!"

**A look into Miroku's thoughts:**

Hoo, Hoo, Hoo!"That jerk STILL asked other women to bear his child!"

Hoo, Hoo, Hoo!"Hey, it was a force of habit!" Miroku defended valiantly. (These are the ways he thinks of himself, not necessarily the truth.)

**Back into reality:**

"Well, maybe I would've been fine with it you'd actually paid attention to **_me_** once in a while," Sango shot back angrily. "And would you please turn off your iPod before I smash it." She said in a threateningly whispered tone.

"Fine!" Miroku answered, as he turned off his iPod and turned on his iRiver to the same exact song, this time taking off an earphone so that it appeared like he was actually trying to listen.

"What are you talking about, 'you never paid attention to me'? _I_ was the good husband! Remember?"

**Start of Flashback:**

Miroku: "Sakura! I'm home!"

Sango: "Who did you just call me?"

Oops! Wrong Flashback. I keep forgetting we're trying to make Miroku look like the innocent one.

**Start of Correct Flashback:**

Miroku: "Sango! I'm home! And look, I brought you some Sakura flowers; your favorite!"

Sango: "Oh Miroku! (Gasp.) Wait hold on. My favorite flowers are daisies!"

Umm, wrong one. I know I'll get a good one eventually!

**Start of Crick's Final Attempt at a Flashback:**

Sakura: "Sasuke, do you love me?"

Okay, now this is getting ridiculous!

**Start of Crick's _Final_, Final Attempt at a Flashback:**

Sango: "Miroku, do you love me?"

Miroku: (Grabs Sango up into his arms) "Sango, of course I love you! Why would you ask a question like that?"

Sango: "Then why do you keep calling me Sakura?"

Miroku: "Sakura, don't be silly! Why would I even think of calling you by my ex-girlfriend's name?"

Uhhh, Lesson of the day: Crick shouldn't try to write flashbacks. Or maybe I just shouldn't try while listening to Bowling for Soup. (Who can feel serious while listening to Trucker Hat? No one, that's who. Except for the fact that I'm listening to "Drunk Enough to Dance", not "A Hangover You Don't Deserve". Hmm, such things to ponder.)

Hey, does anyone else listen to music while writing? Maybe I'm just psycho or something. Which reminds me, can anyone guess what song Miroku was listening to? Whoever knows will get brownie points with me! (Like anyone cares.) Woot for Bowling for Soup! (Hint, hint, hint.)

Poll for next chappie: Should Miroku have dated Sakura from Naruto, or Sakura from Rave Master?

R&R please!

-Crick118


	3. Sakura's Hair

Okay, so the total of _**2 **_people voted for the last poll (thanks rm/bo and soupcan!), glares at reviewers who didn't vote, we have an overwhelming landslide for the Sakura bashing!

I'm sorry this took so long to write you guys, I guess I'm just not too good at writing spoofy fanfics.

**Disclaimer**: It's not mine. If it was, Kagome would be dead, Inu-Yasha would've run off with Kouga, and it'd be called Miroku. Yup, just a little different. lol.

Chapter 3: Sakura's Hair  


"The reason you kept calling me Sakura because that's your ex-girlfriend's name?!?" Sango asked, desperately trying to control her anger, "YOU TOLD ME THAT WAS A PET-NAME!!"

"But it is!" Miroku answered, trying to get back on good terms with his wife. "So what if it came from an ex-girlfriend? That's only a minor detail." He purred seductively (yes, that's right, Miroku _purred_!)

"MINOR DETAIL?!? MINOR DETAIL MY ASS!"

"Now, Ms. Sango, please try to use discretion while saying such harsh words." The psychologist finally tried to intervene.

Ummm, well, I would tell you what her answer to this was, but I think we'd all rather listen to what's on Miroku's iRiver right now.

**A Look into the Idiot's –I Mean- Miroku's Mind:**

_Her dreams went out the door,_ "Shut-up you mother-"

_When she turned 24,_ "Son of a-"

_Only been with one man,_ "You know you can just-"

_What happened to her plan?_ "Do you hear me?"

Okay, Sango's calmed down now, we can listen in again. We rejoin the group with Sango looking a bit ruffled and sitting smoothly back in her chair, while the marriage councilor has smartly decided to hide behind his swiveling chair.

"Uh-mm, look," said councilor shakily started making his way out from under the chair after seeing Sango calm down, "Why don't we just let Miroku explain what happened between him and Sakura before flying off the handle again?"

"Fine then," Sango answered, after a moment (during which the councilor had a chance to defensively re-curl beneath his chair), in resigned fury, "Miroku, care to explain your relationship with a tree?" **(1)**

Miroku sighed and hastily began his story.

"It all started with Springsteen, Madonna, and way before Nirvana…"

**Another Attempt at an Atrocious Flashback** (I couldn't think of any 'a' synonyms for flashback)

"Yes," was her only reply.

Miroku was already prepared to block the sharp heavy objects that he knew were coming (from years of experience). Except, why weren't they coming? HE'D JUST ASKED SOME RANDOM GIRL TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHY WEREN'T THERE ANY POINTY OBJECTS? (Or pepper spray; some girls preferred pepper spray. And then there were the girls cough, Sango, cough who liked to mix it up with both.)

"Really," he asked, amazed that she'd actually wanted to go through with it. Maybe she just hadn't found any yet…

But, they were in a bookstore for crying out loud! That's like a heavy object sanctuary (after all, what else are books good for? (Reading? snort Yeah right!)).

"Well, Miroku, is it?" the blonde-haired girl replied, "I'll be straight-forward with you. I'm in love (1) with another guy, who, well, is much hotter than you. But, you see, he doesn't exactly, well, love me back (per se) _yet_."

"And so," she continued, while polishing her nails with the tips of her fingers in a bored fashion, "I figure, that if I have sex with you, he'll a) get jealous and want to claim me as 'his', or b) get curious and want to have sex with me! Either way we both win!"

"U-uhm, sure,"

Was this girl serious? Did she honestly want to have sex just so she could get the guy who obviously (from what he could tell) couldn't give a shit? Oh well, at least it wouldn't be considered rape! (Isn't he just the optimist?)

"All right then, let's get to it," she said brightly, letting down her platinum-blonde locks.

"Right here?"

"Sure, why not? Besides, Sasuke-kun might accidentally walk in on us!"

(skipping sex scene in which _Sasuke-kun_ doesn't walk-in on the two, but Jiraya (2) does, and quickly runs out to find his camcorder)

"Sooooo," Miroku said contentedly, "What now?"

"What do you mean, 'what now'? I mean guess it was a little fun, but you do know this can't go anywhere!" she said, putting her hair back into the faultless ponytail (how does she do that?) it was in beforehand.

"'A little fun'? Honey, you just got laid by the sex god Miroku!"

"Have you actually ever had sex before?"

"Well…not technically."

"Meaning…?"

"Okay, so not the anal kind, but I did eat a banana once!"

The thin girl was about to slap Miroku behind the head, when Jiraya walked in with his camcorder and stopped short.

"What? You mean it's over already?"

**END OF FLASHBACK** (What? You try and come up with an 'a' synonym for end!)

"Wait a second," said the marriage councilor, flipping through his vast collection of manga books, "I thought you said that you were dating a girl named Sakura!"

"Yeah, I did," Miroku answered.

"No, because if my manga-deduction is correct, than you were talking about the characters from Naruto, in which Sakura's hair color was pink, not blonde!"

"Wait," Miroku answered, scrolling up to re-read the flashback, "Oh yeah, I guess you're right! Wow, I can't believe I've been calling Sango the wrong ex-girlfriend's name!"

"It's actually kind of funny when you think about it," he said, laughing nervously, "I mean think about it, this whole time I thought I was getting Sango's name mixed up with my ex's, but it turns out that it really was a nickname!"

#-#-#-#-#

Well, it's longer! I think I'm getting a bit better at lengthening chapters.

Thanks to **soupcan**, who got me off my lazy butt and reminded me I needed to update!

Like something? Hate something? I'll never know if you don't review!

-Crick


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